Granting Grace

I attended a memorial service this weekend for a woman I didn’t really know.  My limited experience with her, if I’m honest, was negative.  She was an addict, and from my vantage point a manipulator, but she had a relationship with someone I am close with and that warranted my attendance. 

I don’t know much about the science and architecture of addiction, but I understand that it becomes the paint that covers the canvas.  I never experienced Katie sober – the sum of my exposure to her was under the cover of her personal darkness.  So my expectation going into this service was that those that survived her experienced her as I did.  I was wrong. 

I am too inclined to navigate my days thinking narrowly of my own burdens.  It was convenient for me to discard Katie as selfish, without considering whatever weights she may have carried…whatever led her to make the choices that she made.  It was that convenience – that short-sightedness – that colored my impression of her life.  And it was my own caustic incuriousness about her circumstances that allowed me to write her off as detritus. 

In the end, it wasn’t the drug addiction that killed her.  In fact she had gotten herself clean and enjoyed a few short months of clear-headedness before getting diagnosed with the same aggressive cancer that took John McCain’s life.  Her remaining months were spent in the care of nurses, and surrounded by the family that I naively assumed had deserted her.   

What I learned about her was that she was loved by many, despite the pain she had caused at various points of her life.  I was reminded that we are all born innocent, and to some point we remain so.  Eventually life intervenes, and it’s the strength of our internal foundations that determine our reaction.  Some are blessed with stout constitutions, and others are built with fragile netting.  Katie suffered from mental illness, and perhaps didn’t have access to the proper care for her condition…or maybe she rejected the care that was available.  I don’t know.  I wasn’t there.  What I do know is that she struggled to wrest control from the demons that drove her.  

I’m not qualified to eulogize this woman, and that’s not my intention.  What I can do is reconsider my approach to those with whom I’m in conflict.  There’s value in simply acknowledging that we’re  unaware of each other’s circumstances, and to sit in judgement without attempting to understand our adversary’s experience is insular and misguided. 

This message is alarmingly resonant after a weekend when our government launched tear gas at women and children seeking a better life.  If you are a member of the flag-waving proletariat whose reaction was “these irresponsible mothers never should have put their children in harm’s way,” then please take a minute to reflect on what may have led them to this point. 

UPDATE:  I saw that Tomi Lahren tweeted that the US tear gas attack was “the highlight” of her Thanksgiving weekend.  I realize that she’s just a click-generator disguised as a haircut, but she’s got legions of loyal supporters who applaud such commentary.  Perhaps this message should be directed to them…